December Stream of Consciousness

These are excerpts from a letter I wrote to a friend:

1. I love my car. I've been driving it all around town. The first week I had it, I had the first full week of good night's sleep since I moved here. I'm not kidding. I've felt so much anxiety and some of that lifted just from having a car again. I've dreamed about Snoop Dogg and weird roommates and music in my dreams. But the anxiety dreams about clients and spreadsheets are fading away, which is a good thing.

2. I've been watching old West Wing episodes lately and I love it. The people are so smart and so dedicated to their jobs and have to "hop to" when their boss wants them to. I can really relate to that and it is a comfort to me. It also makes me want to wear suits more often.

3. I went to a bacherlorette party this week, after a 11 hour work day. It was at a fondue place and it was fun. The bride got some panties but they were cotton briefs that said stuff like "bride" and "who needs mistletoe." I mean, is this what passes for sexy bridal humor in Wisconsin? Do me a favor, if I get married and I have a bachelorette party where you buy me underwear (yikes) please don't buy thongs, but please don't buy me ultra practical underwear. Thank you.

4. No love life to speak of. The weird ebay/Ron Paul supporter/college drop out to be a Christian rock roadie guy randomly called this week and left an overly jolly message. So weird. I probably won't respond. I'm not opposed to online dating, but I'm not quite ready yet. Maybe in the new year.

5. I've got to get ready for a wedding. It's at 3. I have some college friends staying here that are in the wedding, so they aren't here now. I'm just meeting them there. But it should be fun. A coworker is having a party too that I want to stop by later. I hope that works out b/c his friends seem fun. He has a kind of snowboarder roommate who's kind of hot. I wouldn't mind making out with him in the coat closet later.

6. I have to try to fix my horrendous outfit before I go out tonight. Pink dress, gray sweater tights (because jesus, who has their wedding in Wisconsin a week from Christmas and during undergrad finals and when its 20 degrees outside) and turquoise shoes and a rhinestone star necklace. Girl, they can't handle my style in Wisconsin!!!!

Great weekend in Chicago. Saw a grad school friend, did some Christmas shopping, and did a puzzle, which was surprisingly entertaining. Celebrated a friend's birthday and had a spa day with a few girlfriends. It was so delightful. Got to tell some good stories about the "nuts and berries" i.e. crazy people in my *new* town. It was good to laugh about it, and also to talk with friends about what I'm doing.

Ups and Downs

Back to it. I'm realizing that there are changes I need to make in my life, now that I'm in a different stage of life. I think I'm getting it, and then I feel like I'm not. What I mean to say is, I used to love meeting my friends out at the bars and catching up on grad school topics and gossip. That's not working for me in Madison. For one, I don't have many friends here, and I don't have any good friends. So going out to the bars ends up being a drag, especially when my one pal has all sorts of guy drama in town and we end up seeing said guys around town at the places we go. Not too fun.

Instead, what I think I need to be doing is yoga and more cooking and something creative. I love doing these things, and they make me happy, but I also deeply need companionship. This week I found an awesome yoga class. The people were genuinely friendly and the atmosphere was happy. It felt great and energizing. I went on a long walk afterwards, and did a painting, even though it wasn't very good. Now that I have a little more social energy, I want to start trying things I like and therefore meeting people. I know that it won't be lonely forever, and that I should try to take advantage of my free time to cultivate a stimulating life. If I'm happy, the rest will follow, right? For now, I want to keep fixing up my apartment, and finding visual inspiration to stoke my creative and peaceful mind.

If I Age Back 3 Years, I Could Celebrate 30 a Second Time

I feel like I've aged 5 years in the past 5 months. From going to parties with my grad school friends, weekly happy hours, and discussing food systems and Southern literature, to age forward and only getting invited to parties for or about other peoples' kids. It's weird. I mean, kids are cute and all... but dude can I get a grown-up party in the house? How about a little sangria and some slightly inappropriate cleavage instead of sippy cups and diapers? Ugh.

Unblocked My Chi

There's a scene in the movie, Kung Fu Hustle, that I often think about when a personal tide takes a turn for the better. The main guy in the movie, who is kind of an extremely lucky f*ck-up, gets beat up by this kung fu villian, which also has the added bonus of unblocking his chi so that he can more readily access his true potential. After he unblocks his chi, he becomes tall and gorgeous and a fully-developed kung fu talent that he always knew he had, but couldn't reach. Even though the movie is a comedy, it really is a beautiful idea.

So I feel like I had a minor chi unblockage. I've been feeling down with all the transitions in my life, missing my support network, and greiving the recent exodus of Mr. D from my life. When I also got a soccer injury that limited my ability to get the gym or wear fun shoes, I was in the pits. So I was trying to tough it out at a play on Friday night, when I started to feel woozy and out-and-out fainted during the play. Yikes. I came to sitting on the floor (and yes, the show kept on) faced by a friend and a bunch of strangers trying to make me drink water and putting a soggy napkin on my forehead. Luckily, there was a nurse and an EMT (supposedly) in the audience, and they were able to take me out of the theater and cool me down. I revived and was ok, and then the EMT was totally trying to hit on me. What I didn't get, is what about that was hot exactly, as I was pale and sweaty after fainting. Maybe the vunerability? Or maybe I just made fainting look good?? It was weird. Anyway, the nurse and the EMT texted me later to make sure I was ok (I was) and the EMT offered to come over the next day to give me a foot massage. At first I thought that was weird (it was) but then I thought - if I'm going to go back to dating I better get to practicing a lil harmless flirting. After I was checked by a doc on Saturday (I'm fine), I realized that something about the experience helped me move forward in some way. The chi, unblocked?

Cathy 1 and Cathy 2

I joined a gym this week and it is actually wonderful. It gives me something to do and somewhere to go after work each day, instead of slugging it out at work and then going home to my television. I worked out yesterday, but next time I will remember my headphones as Cathy 1 and Cathy 2 almost buzzkilled my workout.

I was on one of the machines next to two girls who were obviously friends, or more likely, frenemies. They were the whiniest bitches I have seen in awhile, and some of their comments reminded me of the Cathy comic. Here are some snippets:

1) "I mean, I get my J Crew packages sent to my work, which I kind of feel guilty about, but hey - I need my khakis!!"

2) "So this pregnant woman at my work asked everyone at the staff meeting to stay home from work if they're sick because she's vuerable to illness. I was like, 'how about we call in to work if we're feeling sick and work can tell you to stay home.'"

3) "I was telling a new guy at work about my vacation days and he was like, 'I wish I had vacation days,' and I was like, 'I earned my vacation, ok? That's what happens your first year of work, you don't get vacation, ok?'"

3) "I hate this. I'm tired today. I hate this."

I mean, what Wisconsin puritans! The negativity pouring off these girls was disturbing. Then, during our workout an amazing rainbow appeared out the window. I'm serious. It was an incredibly vivid and beautiful rainbow. I looked around from side to side to see if the people around me would notice, and they didn't. So I said, "Cathys, see that rainbow."

What else could I do?

Stung By a Beeeeee

I took out the window A/C units tonight, uh... 32 degrees tonight in Wisconsin?!?
Apparently some bees were semi-hibernating on the side of one of the A/C units and when I took it out they went bonkers. Actually, they were sleepy but one still managed to sting me on my right pinky, that rascal. My landlord ended up coming upstairs to help me - gloves, beekeeper hat, etc. and carrying the A/C units outside after swatting a bunch more of the bees. Oh, Lord.

The Human Backside

I have a lot of time to myself now to think and to dream. I keep daydreaming of travel, mainly to Europe. I want to learn French. My job is inspiring me to become a better urban planner, and I have borrowed many books on urban design; I go places in Madison by myself and immerse myself in these books. Here's a choice quote from a book I was reading today, regarding a comfortable depth of benches in public spaces,

"Another dimension is more important: the human backside. It is a dimension architects seem to have forgotten."

Hee. It's so true though. All praise to some room for the human backside.

I think of delaying buying a car, and what I could save money to do by postponing this purchase. Buy a kayak. Visit friends in New York. I research art and cultural exhibits that I want to see. I am mostly okay with doing all this with only myself for company.

Peace Be With You and Then Peace Out

I went to a hippy peace party this weekend and my thought was, "Yep, peace be with you and now, peace out." My libertarian side was like "rock on with the peace and the drum circle, Madison!!". Part of me is genuinely glad such a place/community exists, but the hippy vibe got a bit much for me. It's funny and weird that I'm a big yuppie by Madison standards. But don't worry, I won't let that serve up an identity crisis. It's just that the hippy scene seems so extreme, so non-urban, that it's kind of like a cultural time warp. I mean, see the picture above.


There are things I'm finding that I like - fall gardens and outdoor cafes. Riding my bike around and living in a lively neighborhood. Waiting for the social piece to fall into place still though...

Music to My Ears

Something is shifting, and I feel more like myself. The past several months have been full of change and anxiety for what was to come - where I'd live, what I'd do about a job, how I was going to plan the transition, etc etc. It was extremely stressful. Glad I'm through the woods.

My Third Eye Opened

Last weekend I went with some of my family to Minnesota for my dad's uncle's funeral. It was surprisingly peaceful, at least for me. For one thing, it was a comfort to attend a funeral of an 89-year-old. It was sad, but his death wasn't unexpected, and it made so much more sense in the cycle of life than the last funeral I went to. Some of the grief from my friend Steph's funeral in June bubbled to the surface during this funeral too. In a strange way, it was healing to grieve over a more sensible death.

There was also the spirit of family nearby. I heard some old stories about my dad growing up, and his cousins growing up too. Some of the stories I had heard before, but some were new. It was a comfort to me that my dad is still close with his cousins, and it was nice to be "the kid" of the group.

Finally, I liked hearing stories of my great uncle and how he coped with the dis-ease and loneliness that can come in life. He filled his days with community and volunteer activities and cooking food like casseroles and rosettes for the ladies at the nursing home or the perpetual bachelor next door. He was no saint, and in fact, would be one of the first people to tell someone to "F*ck Off," if necessary. But I think that he kept from getting bored and kept life interesting by getting involved with other people around him. I feel that is a lesson I can take home right now in a time where I often feel lonely.

I Laughed Once Today

Things have settled down for me a bit. The automatic panic that I usually feel in the morning as I'm heading off for my commute is less pronounced. I have a better grip on my job (better than no grip, yes). I end up spending so much of my day related to work. The other time is sleep as I'm exhausted. The other time is reading "The Bourne Identity."

I did have one genuine laugh today at work. I also had one victory of getting a project done under the gun. That made me smile. A lot of my joyful time during the day lately has been related to driving around the rental cars that I've had to use this week to get to travel locations to work. I can sing out and feel the wind in my hair. For now, that's as good as it gets during the week.

I don't have any friends, yet. I almost had a social invite Sunday night but was out of town and I missed my invitation window. I have a potential friend that wants to go to a yoga class, but I haven't figured out how to work that in. Mainly I'm having a hard time planning social dates as I've felt really busy with work or too tired. Maybe I'll get a friend sometime soon. That would be sweet.

RE:juvenation

I know, I know. Awesome last post. So descriptive.

Honestly, the cat has had my tongue the past three weeks. Three weeks! I can't believe I've been three weeks at my new job. The time has flown by.

I went to Chicago this weekend to visit Mr. D and it was absolutely delightful. We had a friends brunch for his birthday on Saturday, and it was very fun and rejuvenating for me. It felt great to be among friends and eating good food (both things in short supply in my experience in Wisconsin so far.) I love my friends in Chicago - they are smart and weird and it was refreshing to spend time with them. As for Mr. D, after seeing some friends, we saw "Julie & Julia," went to Koreanfest, AND went out to dinner. We had a great time all around and laughed together and it was lovely.

One thing that came up while I was talking about my new life experience of late was my nosy landlord. He's not nosy with bad intentions but he does note my comings and goings. I paid my rent in cash this month and in a later conversation it became apparent that he had told some of his friends about that ("Ask Marta to buy your CD; she's flush with cash.") Another day, I got home at 9:45 p.m. on my bike and I noticed that he looked out the window and said to some guest of his, "Yep. She's coming home. 9:45 p.m." This is mostly funny as I sometimes note his comings and goings as well. A small town thing, I began to think. I thought about my great grandmother who used to note the comings and goings of a Greek family in her apartment building and how much zest it actually gave her life (even though she complained about it all the time.) However, when I talked to some of my friends in Chicago, it turned out that they know exactly who on their block is a spying landlord and who's pregnant and who just redid their house with a lot of money, etc. etc.

I guess it's just a human thing.

Lake report: Algae patch.

Bike Commute: Lake Report - Week 1

I started biking to work for my commute, and what's great is that I see the lake every day. Here are my daily lake observations.

Day one: too concerned about getting there. Don't know.
Day two: gray and smoky.
Day three: glassy.
Day four: lots of duck butts. (When ducks dip their heads down to feed. Hee.)

I don't know what to tell you. I got a new job and an apartment and I'm moving to Madison in a week. It's surreal and exciting to get a job in my field and I'm also a little sad to leave Chicago. I've been seeing lots of family and trying to do some fun activities like reading and going to the beach and seeing some music.

It's weird to say that your friends did good, speaking at a memorial service for another friend. But they did so good, in that they stood tall for all of us that attended and spoke for us through their own grief. They talked about our friend Steph's beauty and grace and her kindness and nurturing actions. They talked about the despair and discomfort and weight of her suicide. They talked about how love could try to lift her spirit, and lift our spirits in our grief. It was beautiful and powerful and, of course, very very sad.

Library Scramble

So I'm back in Chicago. It's almost like North Carolina never happened. Almost.

I'm finding the adjustment difficult. I feel like going from a lively, busy life with a lot of friends that I saw very often to a life where I'm trying desperately to structure some vitality into my day is a challenge. I've had some bad days so far - feelings of depression and uncertainty, and sometimes a physical feeling of illness. My friend J* spouted some of Tony Robbins sage advice to me recently. We talked about setting some goals for all this free time, and for trying to get out of the apartment and into "public." Mr. D and I went to a yoga class today, which was wonderful. But even afterwards, I felt the daily blackholeness start to sink in. As susceptible as I am now, J* had suggested reading some Charles Dickens books, kind of off the cuff. I'm here at the library now, with "Oliver Twist" and "The Pickwick Papers" in hand. Having more time to read is certainly appealing, and I applied for one job successfully today. I'm open to any suggestions about ways to spend all this free time - places to volunteer, good books, new hobbies? Let me know.

Peacock & Zebra-themed Birthday

Mr. D came back with me to North Carolina after spring break. He and my friends threw me a terrific birthday party. My friends developed a peacock and zebra theme - the decor was mostly peacock and a lot of people wore zebra-themed outfits. My friend *DAR invented a dessert for the occasion - a zebra-themed white cake with brownies in the middle layer. Yes! We went dancing afterward at a Bollywood themed dance party with a live Sikh drummer. It was an incredible 30th!

Spring Break in NOLA

Mr. D and I met in New Orleans. What a grand and relaxing spring break! I erased my tension chest pains and eye twitches developed from the stress of finishing up my last semester of grad school. Lots of beautiful sites, amazing weather (ahhh, 81!), great meals, and some quality time with Mr. D. Some of my friends from grad school and some of Mr. D and my friends visited NOLA at the same time so that was lovely and fun. We even went running through the French Quarter a few mornings!

Happy V Love

I received some beautiful flowers from Mr. D yesterday! They are gorgeous and smell amazing. He's a good man and a good boyfriend.

I also received another Valentine from one of my aunts, AJ. She sent me a book, "Cold Sassy Tree." I've been on a Southern fiction kick so I'm looking forward to reading it. It was such a thoughtful gift and I loved getting it in the mail!

Currently, I'm reading, "The Heart is a Lonely Hunter." I can say at the half-way point that I'm enjoying it. I like the characters alright, and I like the setting with mill workers and the carnival and the local restaurant. I try to read a little before bed and I've been waking up for a time in the middle of the night where sometimes I read a few pages.

In other blessings, I've had a couple late-blooming friendships in graduate school this semester. I finally found a running buddy! My friend A* is a perfect running friend because she pushes my pace and I push her endurance. We have great conversations on our runs and I think she is very positive about health and I'm enjoying having her help as a motivator in that area of my life. She showed me a local park with a beautiful river running through it - an energizing run no doubt. I also have another newish friend who is someone to share foodie stuff with (rare in these parts). She's introduced me to Trader Joe's pizza crusts and a great raw kale salad. This friend has really delighted me so far - she's interesting AND nice and I've really had fun spending time with her!

As Promised/Promise of a New Day

So here's what's new. There are some lil' yellow daffodils in my side yard. I will take a picture and post it for you all in climates where the daffodils haven't started growing yet. The spring time weather here is totally gorgeous, and is lifting my spirits. I've been working hard at my Master's thesis, two part-time jobs, slugging through a few classes, worrying about the job search. I'm trying to find my sense of humor, which seems to be disturbingly absent right about now. Any jokes? Please post.

Life has gotten relatively tame for the time being. I'm reading books about statistics. My downstairs neighbors moved out (first the sex-having neighbors, then the baby-having neighbors) and now there is a construction crew on the premises every day except Sunday. Drag! It's sort of nice that things are quiet at night though. My roommate from last semester also moved out, so I have been able to spread out my things, reclaim a more spacious office space, and take naps on the futon.

It's sort of unbelievable that I only have one more semester of grad school left. I am nervous about entering the job market again, and I would say many of my peers feel the same way. People are coping with this in different ways, most people are withdrawing into tiny, messy cubicles and putting their noses to the grindstone. There's like the yoga contingent. And then the hulu-watching contingent. But at this point everyone has been relatively sane. Here's to 2009...

Grande Dame of 2009

Happy New Year. I know it's been an eternity since I've posted and - for shame! It's terrible I know. I was busy kicking ass on my last semester's classes and otherwise vegging and watching old episodes of Joan of Arcadia (no there are no new ones but the ones from 2005-2006 are terrific).

I did lots of fun things over the break (like hang out a ton with Mr. D!). I also went to a few museums, one of which was the Chicago Historical Society. There was a couture Chicago exhibit featuring "grande dame so-and-so's" famous dress for "such-and-such" occasion. It was actually more fun than I thought it would be. But it also made me think: what does it take in our times to be a grande dame? Why don't I know one? When can I be one?