It's weird to say that your friends did good, speaking at a memorial service for another friend. But they did so good, in that they stood tall for all of us that attended and spoke for us through their own grief. They talked about our friend Steph's beauty and grace and her kindness and nurturing actions. They talked about the despair and discomfort and weight of her suicide. They talked about how love could try to lift her spirit, and lift our spirits in our grief. It was beautiful and powerful and, of course, very very sad.

Library Scramble

So I'm back in Chicago. It's almost like North Carolina never happened. Almost.

I'm finding the adjustment difficult. I feel like going from a lively, busy life with a lot of friends that I saw very often to a life where I'm trying desperately to structure some vitality into my day is a challenge. I've had some bad days so far - feelings of depression and uncertainty, and sometimes a physical feeling of illness. My friend J* spouted some of Tony Robbins sage advice to me recently. We talked about setting some goals for all this free time, and for trying to get out of the apartment and into "public." Mr. D and I went to a yoga class today, which was wonderful. But even afterwards, I felt the daily blackholeness start to sink in. As susceptible as I am now, J* had suggested reading some Charles Dickens books, kind of off the cuff. I'm here at the library now, with "Oliver Twist" and "The Pickwick Papers" in hand. Having more time to read is certainly appealing, and I applied for one job successfully today. I'm open to any suggestions about ways to spend all this free time - places to volunteer, good books, new hobbies? Let me know.